Trump Promises Gaza Strip to Rival Vegas Strip
"We'll build the new Riviera of the Middle East all along Gaza, and we'll do it bigly!"
President Donald Trump, standing alongside Israel PM Benjamin Netanyahu, announced today that he is “taking over the Gaza Strip.”
“The demolition work is already nearly complete. We still have a few unexploded ordinance to remove, and then reconstruction can begin. The Gaza Strip will become the Vegas Strip of the Middle East. We’ll line the oceanfront with grand new hotel casinos. We’ve already got plans drawn for a new Trump casino in Gaza City at one end of Gaza, right on the beach; and we’re starting another design for another ocean hotel on the border with Egypt at Rafa, which is at the other end of the strip. So we’ll be running the strip from end to end.
“Both new casinos will sit right on the beach, and they will be beautiful, so beautiful, just you wait and see and big! Very, very big! I am excited to reveal them, but both are still somewhat in the planning stage. So, you’ll have to wait, but I love a big reveal, so we’ll do that well, too. Permitting is already complete, however. Prime Minister Netanyahu’s government put the permits on warp drive, and we got it done.”
The land of Gaza, according to Trump will be owned by the United States’ as an asset of the new Sovereign Wealth Fund and as an annex of the United States, but it will be renamed in New York style “Little Israel.” The Sovereign Wealth Fund will contribute money for all the infrastructure development so the developers can get to work. It’ll be a joint partnership between private enterprise and state.
“Hitler did a lot of that,” said the president. “Private-state partnerships worked very well for Germany. So, we’re going to repurpose USAID. We developers do a lot of that—repurposing—you know. It’s what we do sometimes like I did for the old post-office building here in Washington, which is really a work of art. That’s the kind of thing we can do.
“USAID has a lot of past experience funding infrastructure improvements in developing nations. Well, Gaza is now a nation we are developing in America’s best interest … and Israel’s, I might add. It’s a win-win. So, the new USAID, which we are renaming TrumpAid, under the umbrella of the US State Department, will use all of its remaining taxpayer funds to rebuild sewers, repair city plumbing, replace electrical entirely that was always terribly bad with modern state-of-the-art electrical. All the stuff USAID was originally made to do. It’ll build new streets—beautiful palm-tree-lined streets and sidewalks and parks—but there will be no gay operas funded like the old USAID. That was a bad outfit. Very bad. Biden did it, but we’re going to buildit back better. First, we had to destroy it. But we’re going to build it back better, and TrumpAid will be something entirely different, putting the money that was still left in the USAID budget to good use so that casinos and hotels and restaurants can be built. Did you know that Gaza has some of the world’s best seafood. Great seafood, fresh out of the Mediterranean. Some of the best. Not as good as ours, of course, but we’ll get it there. That’s why we’re going to go there. We’re going to improve everything, bring it up to standards to make Gaza great.”
When asked by a Jordanian reporter what was going to be done with all the Palestinian people—how would they afford to live there—Trump responded, “We’re movin’ ’em out! Just like we do with other immigrants. We’ll move them all to Jordan and other Arab countries—back to the countries they originally came from—and, you know what, the Arabs will pay for it. Yes they will. We’ll hit them with tariffs. Very heavy tariffs if they refuse. We’ll tax their oil coming into the US—AND ALL OTHER PARTS OF THE WORLD!—at 100%, and we’ll double production of our own oil and cut the price. Drill, Baby, drill! That’s the plan. Drill, Baby, drill! And you know what, there is off-shore gas in Gaza, so that will help, too.
“We’ll use the Arab tariffs that the Arabs will pay for to establish a Palestinian Mobility Fund, managed by TrumpAid, which will contribute some of the money to displaced Palestinians, so they will actually want to move because they will get rich. Very rich compared to the poverty they have lived in for years, and they won't have to spend the rest of their lives rebuilding the wreckage of Gaza because we’re going to make Gaza great again. And they’ll have nice new homes in Arab countries so they are with their own kind, and they may even have swimming pools, nice swimming pools for each home.
“And Gaza will be great again. Well, it will be great for the first time, actually, but we’ll get it done, and the Arabs will pay for it. In fact, you know what? They will actually thank us for letting them pay for it when they see what booming Gaza commerce does for surrounding nations like Jordan—your country, Jamal—and Lebanon and Egypt. They will be envious of what we’ve done, and, you know what, maybe we’ll give them part of the action because that is how you get things done. It’s a win-win-win.”
“Well build the casinos, and we’ll let the Jews run them. They’re good with money, and I’m good with building. It’s what I do. So, it’ll be a partnership. Prime Minister Netanyahu has already agreed to let his family handle the running of the casinos. This is big stuff. It’s a partnership.”
Netanyahu smiled crookedly, in his caricaturistic style, nodded affirmatively and stated—when given the opportunity to answer only one question after Trump was done answering dozens for an hour—“It’s a bold new idea. I think we should give President Trump’s out-of-the-cracker-jack-box thinking a try. Israel has already cleared all the land and approved the permits, and the United States has promised to place some joint Israel/US Air Force bases along the inland parts as well as a new Navy base on the Mediterranean for Israel’s protection, so this can work.”
I love what Trump is doing to get our House, our country back. But This bugs me.