Trump Campaign Prays Biden Stays Alive Long Enough to Remain in Race

Biden is Trump's best shot.

Having survived two impeachments better than any president before him and lost two very public trials, the only loss for Donald J. Trump during this week’s CNN presidential debate was the loss of an easy win. Even the most ardent of Biden apologists in the state-run Democratic media are stridently calling for no more Joe (#NoMoJo). Of course, Republican Media (a.k.a., Fox) is cheering former president Trump for being his usual entirely truthful self and for beating Biden by building his comeback better.

While the debate made it clear to the nation that Joe Biden is likely running the country from a powered scooter under the skillful remote operation of his wife, Jill, who helped him down the stairs at the end of the debate, the only true surprise was that the press was stunned by Biden’s performance. He was, after all, the same ol’ bicycle-tipping, stage-wandering sandbagger who shakes hands with people who are not there. The fact that CNN’s Democratic commentators went all catastrophic about the debate revealed they had always believed their claims that criticisms about Joe’s performance were just Republican memes, not reflective of the real Joe. Turns out, they ARE the real Joe.

Realities of Biden’s universally flunked debate performance aside, the Trump campaign says Trump had plenty to be proud of.

First, he stayed awake throughout the entire trial at a time when he had to prove to a public wary of old duds that he was capable of wakefulness. Recent trials, through which Trump mostly slept, farted and allegedly shat himself, had left many wondering if Trump could remain conscious through the debate. Trump was, however, able at the debate to funnel his usual anger into keeping himself on a wakeful edge.

Second, Biden tried repeatedly to trip Trump up by saying, “Everything he just said is a lie. Everything he says is a lie. I’ve never heard so much malarkey in my whole life.” Trump, however, did not take the bait and was able to maintain his lying consistently throughout the debate without even needing to defend himself.

When Biden tried to claim, “We’ve done more for veterans than any time in our history,” Trump reminded him that he never spat on a single veteran nor ever called a handicapped or dead veteran a “loser.” Fortunately, for Trump, Biden failed to bring up the name “McCain.”

When Biden told Trump, “You have the morals of an alley cat,” Trump was able to truthfully retort, “I knew Ali Kat. She was a beautiful hooker that I dated a few times while Melania was pregnant. Really nice gal. Really beautiful. Very, very beautiful. I wouldn’t say anything bad about her if I were you because she’s a 10. Well, unless she sues me.”

Not everything went that well for Trump. When the two candidates got in an I’m-better-than-you argument over Trump’s presumed strong point—their golf handicaps because that is the main thing America is concerned about—Biden was able to stare Trump blankly in the eyes, as though dumbfounded, and say, “Let’s not act like children.”

From the start of the debate, Trump looked a little disheveled. The red squirrel of a hairdo that usually sweeps its tail across the top of his head looked a bit like road kill. He also got off his plane without Melania by his side, which the Trump campaign said was because she had a cold.

Trump did score some major bragging points, with his adversary sometimes helping him point them out:

• “You had more people die of Covid than I did,” said Trump. He didn’t mention that this fact was true even after his own emergency vaccine was deployed throughout the nation to prevent that from happening. He might as well have said, “My vaccine never worked,” but Biden couldn’t challenge him on that point, afraid of pointing out that the Trump vaccines that Biden mandated could even be the cause of the soaring deaths. So, Trump got to take the win on that one.

• Trump always likes to point out that his accomplishments are the biggest and the best, and Biden helped him out by pointing out that Trump had created the biggest deficits of any president in history. Trump was either unable to challenge the point or was glad to accept the claim of accomplishment.

• Trump also scored a boast that “When people found out about my felony cases, donations went way up.” No one could argue with that success either.

As for policy points, Trump claimed that he doesn’t want to cut Social Security but just cut the number of people who get it, pointing out that, on the other hand, “Biden wants to put illegal immigrants on Social Security. He also puts illegal immigrants in expensive hotels, and they’re not even my hotels! When I was in the White House, everyone stayed in my hotels!”

On the immigration issue, Trump also claimed “Biden ended catch-and-release in Mexico, but most of us never even fish in Mexico. So, what’s the point?”

Trump then pointed out that he had “aced two cognitive tests.” Yet, he will never show them to anyone or say how old he was when he took the tests. They might have been tests to see whether or not he can color inside the lines or put the square block in the square hole.

Trump also boasted about his many connections with world leaders:

“Kim Jung Un and Putin and Xi, they don’t respect Biden, but they write love letters to me! Even my Democrat critics have claimed in the past that they help me with my campaigns. That is better even than being endorsed by them. I mean, imagine other great leaders of the world—as great as Hitler, and he was in many ways a great man—wanting you to be the one that becomes president so bad that they’ll help you win. Now, that’s an endorsement!”