Candidate Trump Promises a Great Wall over America
The best wall ever, just you wait and see.
Former President Donald Trump has ripped a page from the Simpson’s playbook. As part of his new “Build Back Biglier — Really Biglier” campaign, Trump proposed building an “impenetrable” forcefield dome over the entire United States. (Some may doubt that the former president would use such words as “impenetrable,” because they seem outside his lexicon, but Trump’s campaign spokesmodel reminded the those gathered for the former president’s big campaign announcement that Trump has always used the best words.)
Trump assured the crowd that, when he builds a dome, it will be “a really big dome, the biggest dome you ever saw, and it will be incredible, absolutely incredible, and Mexico will pay for it!”
“It’s like a wall,” said the former president. “You know I like my walls!”
He paused for the crowd to cheer.
“Except it’s a dome — a great wall around and over America,” said Trump, “Like the Great Wall of China, but better because everything we do is better than China. I mean China? Really? If the wall said ‘Made in China’ you would know it will break. This wall, which is a dome, will protect the United States of America from any nuclear attack.
“I have talked to my generals about it – my former generals who will be my generals again – and they agree that it can be done. It is very high-tech, but it will be easy, soooo easy, just you wait and see.”
“Also,” said the Donald, “The dome will be able to take out any nukes by spraying them with Lysol and sticking a light up their rockets … a UV light … like the sun, you know. UV light; that’s what the sun puts out. So, it will be like shining the sun inside of them, and they’ll simply vanish because of the sunlight … like a vampire.
“Of course, I believe that when I become president again – and I will become president again because the election was rigged and everyone knows it – that I will sit down with President Putin. He’s a good man. I’ve met him several times, and so I know that I will be able to talk him out of using his nukes. I will have ice-cream and cake with him at Mar-a-Lago, and I’ll have him served with one scoop of ice-cream on his tiny cake, but I’ll have two scoops on my large slice so that there is no question who is boss.”
Asked why we will need the dome if the nuclear confrontation can be resolved with chocolate cake, the one-term president clarified, “Well, first, it is not just any cake. It is the best cake, the very best chocolate cake. It is soooo delicious. Oh, so good, you wouldn’t believe it. Served only at Mar-a-Lago. Not anywhere else. But, also, the dome is not really for Putin because he won’t be a problem. I can manage him. It will be primarily to protect us from Rocketman – that tubby little Korean guy with the really bad haircut. Back when I was president, I told him where I get mine cut, but I guess he didn’t listen to me. That’s what happens.
“Oh well,” said Trump. “If I had still been president we wouldn’t even have had this problem with Ukraine. I had it all worked out. People criticized me for it, but I was going to withhold Ukraine’s weapons so they couldn’t even fight back if they wanted to. It was Joe Biden – sleepy Joe Biden – who messed up everything with Ukraine, even before I was president. But I had worked it all out.”
“Will we be able to see the dome? Will it block out the stars at night?” asked one of the reporters.
“No,” said Trump, “You will not actually see the dome because it is very high-tech, but you will be able to see the ‘Trump’ name written clear across it with a laser beam. It will be a beautiful light show at night — oh so beautiful … like my wife Melania, but, you know, not that beautiful. It will look backward from down here so that it is clearly readable to any alien arriving from space so they know this is my planet – the best planet in the galaxy. Astronauts will be able to view it from space, so we’ll have a space-station webcam on Truth Social where you can turn it on and see the name go by from space, so you can read it properly, as the space station passes over.”
“Why do you think there are aliens who will see it?” Asked the same reported. “Did you learn there were aliens when you were president?”
“Oh, there are aliens all right. Lots of them. Aliens were almost all we ever talked about in my White House. And they’re illegal Haven’t you heard? I can’t believe you haven’t heard. They are coming across our border all the time, and the dome will stop them. Even those from space will know this is a Trump planet, so they will know not to mess with us.
“They want to come here, and they bring their wives with them, and they have children, and these children grow up to become Clintons and Bidens, a whole race of reptiles that want to take our jobs and eat our children. These are bad fellas, and they must be stopped.”
“Do you already have a plan for this dome?” asked another reporter.
“Well, we’re working on a plan now. I have the best people working on it. I am working with our great military leaders – not the ones you see on television. I don’t consider them leaders. And it’ll be a great plan – the best plan ever, just you wait and see.”
“Isn’t that what you promised about replacing Obamacare?” the reporter asked. “Didn’t you promise the best plan ever and then came up with no plan at all?”
“You work for the New York Times, don’t you,” said Trump with a wry smile. “Yeah, I know you. You work for the dying New York Times. That’s why they call it the ‘Gray Lady.’ It’s dying because it’s all fake news. No one wants fake news; so, I won’t answer any of your questions. Next person, please.
“I will say this, though, Israel has an iron dome. I guess it protects them. That’s what they tell me, but no one wants an iron dome. You can’t see anything through it. People complain about my wall along Mexico blocking the view because it is made of steel, the very best steel, but that is nothing compared to what it would be like to have an iron dome covering the entire United States; so, that is why we are planning an invisible forcefield — a very high-tech forcefield. It will be built by my own Space Force that I started.”
Trump also talked about how the word “nuclear” was never allowed to be used during his administration, but it is now used all the time. “Just like Putin made the word ‘war’ illegal. We did not allow the word ‘nuclear’ in my administration when I was commander-in-chief, so we had no problems with nukes. It is sleepy Joe and his woke friends who started letting people use the word ‘nuclear’ again.”
“Can you use the word on Truth Social?” a heckler interjected.”
“Yes, yes,” said Trump. “Of course, you can use any word on Truth Social, but you would not want to because they are really good people there, and they would rip you to shreds if you used the contraband word ‘nuclear.’ I might have to tell them not to stand down any longer. It’s a very, very bad word. You don’t want to use it.”
“When I am back in office, I will solve the Ukraine war in just twenty-four hours. Sleepy Joe, oh sleepy, sleepy Joe is no match for Putin. Putin’s a tough guy. They say he rides bears, but I deal with tough guys all the time. It is nothing to me. In New York, you have the mafia. In Florida, you have the Cubans – drug lords. They’re tough guys, but you have to work with them to get things done. I know how to work with them, and I know how to get things done. All it takes is money. Just follow the money. That’s why you have to have a tax system that allows you room to work, not the kind we are stuck with here in America. America’s tax laws, passed only by Democrats, get in the way of making business happen by censoring the kinds of things you can say to your bankers. But when I am president, I will change the laws to Make America Great Again!”
The surrounding group of supporters for his little campaign rally cheered, and one bystander said to a reporter, ““If there is one phrase that describes the greatest President in American history - President Trump - this is it: ‘Promises made, Promises kept!’ Best speech ever. Donald Trump speaks the truth for the American people.”